Around the office, we've been circulating a "get to know me" question from my church's facebook page - "If you wrote an autobiography, what would you call it and why?" The answers have been pretty hilarious and it's an interesting way to get to know people as they see themselves. My autobiography would be called "That Played Out Differently In My Head: The Surprised Life of an Over-thinker and Day-Dreamer". If you know me at all, you would agree that is spot on - daydreamer and overthinker who never has things quite figured out.
I think at this point, this little corner of the blog-o-sphere is just me and a few faithful friends and readers. I neglected the blog far too long to have a faithful readership, so I feel fairly confident that I am among friends only when I consider what to say and how to say it.
If you've been a friend or reader for very long, you know how I often struggle with anxiety. I honestly don't know if that's the result of too much time alone with my thoughts or if it's genetic knowing how my Dad's mom struggled with it as well. Regardless of the reason, I have several escape hatches when my thoughts run away from me and fear overwhelms me. I use oils, deep breathing, meditation, supplements - all of which have been helpful whether alone or used in varying combinations.
I used to regularly beat myself up for how spiritual I am not; because surely, if I loved Jesus better or trusted Him more I would not have such a visceral response to uncertainty and open-ended situations. I don't know if I have to have control so much as I need to be able to figure things out. Things need to make sense. Unfortunately, they rarely do.
Honestly, my anxiety makes me feel weak and I resent it. But I'm learning to live with the tension of a life that doesn't make sense. We don't often do that very well, do we? And I say "we" because I think as a culture we want things to resolve satisfactorily in our favor. And if there is a tension between what is and what ought to be, we become uncomfortable and cry foul and dig in our heels on whichever side favors our utopian view of the world.
Spoiler Alert: There is no utopia this side of heaven. Tensions will always exist until the Prince of Peace establishes His Throne on earth. So apart from rushing to that side of eternity prematurely, how do we live with the uncomfortable world we can never control and can hardly understand? How do we endure the nasty now and now while waiting for the sweet by and by?
I was reading in Romans 1 last week in a new translation of the Bible called the "Tree of Life Version" which was translated by complete Jews. They bring such a rich heritage and understanding of faith to scriptures in a way that makes me see things for the first time even if I've read it hundred of times already. Romans 1:17 encourages us that the Gospel reveals the righteousness of God "from trust to trust, for the righteous shall live by faith."
Trust to trust. I've always read that as faith to faith, and if I'm honest faith to faith sounds like audacious leap to outrageous leap - overwhelming and terrifying. But trust to trust sounds like step by step. No leaps - just the next step in a journey that eventually adds up to a life of faith.
So what does your overthinking, anxiety-riddled sister in Christ do? I start every day with a sentence prayer, one simple question, "Lord, how are you asking me to trust you today?" It's not always the same - some days He asks me to trust that I am where He wants me to be, that He will supply my needs, that He will help me handle a difficult day, that He will hear me when I cry out to Him.
The way He's asking me to trust isn't the same every day, but it IS always something I can confidently put in His hands leave with Him for the next 24 hours. Nothing grandiose or difficult - grace for the moment, strength for the journey, daily bread that when all built one day upon another will prayerfully add up to a life of faith.
Anyway, in a world gone crazy and unpredictable that routinely plays out differently in my head, that's just where I live right now - trust to trust, day to day; and even in the tension I'm finding peace.
I think at this point, this little corner of the blog-o-sphere is just me and a few faithful friends and readers. I neglected the blog far too long to have a faithful readership, so I feel fairly confident that I am among friends only when I consider what to say and how to say it.
If you've been a friend or reader for very long, you know how I often struggle with anxiety. I honestly don't know if that's the result of too much time alone with my thoughts or if it's genetic knowing how my Dad's mom struggled with it as well. Regardless of the reason, I have several escape hatches when my thoughts run away from me and fear overwhelms me. I use oils, deep breathing, meditation, supplements - all of which have been helpful whether alone or used in varying combinations.
Honestly, my anxiety makes me feel weak and I resent it. But I'm learning to live with the tension of a life that doesn't make sense. We don't often do that very well, do we? And I say "we" because I think as a culture we want things to resolve satisfactorily in our favor. And if there is a tension between what is and what ought to be, we become uncomfortable and cry foul and dig in our heels on whichever side favors our utopian view of the world.
Spoiler Alert: There is no utopia this side of heaven. Tensions will always exist until the Prince of Peace establishes His Throne on earth. So apart from rushing to that side of eternity prematurely, how do we live with the uncomfortable world we can never control and can hardly understand? How do we endure the nasty now and now while waiting for the sweet by and by?
I was reading in Romans 1 last week in a new translation of the Bible called the "Tree of Life Version" which was translated by complete Jews. They bring such a rich heritage and understanding of faith to scriptures in a way that makes me see things for the first time even if I've read it hundred of times already. Romans 1:17 encourages us that the Gospel reveals the righteousness of God "from trust to trust, for the righteous shall live by faith."
Trust to trust. I've always read that as faith to faith, and if I'm honest faith to faith sounds like audacious leap to outrageous leap - overwhelming and terrifying. But trust to trust sounds like step by step. No leaps - just the next step in a journey that eventually adds up to a life of faith.
So what does your overthinking, anxiety-riddled sister in Christ do? I start every day with a sentence prayer, one simple question, "Lord, how are you asking me to trust you today?" It's not always the same - some days He asks me to trust that I am where He wants me to be, that He will supply my needs, that He will help me handle a difficult day, that He will hear me when I cry out to Him.
The way He's asking me to trust isn't the same every day, but it IS always something I can confidently put in His hands leave with Him for the next 24 hours. Nothing grandiose or difficult - grace for the moment, strength for the journey, daily bread that when all built one day upon another will prayerfully add up to a life of faith.
Anyway, in a world gone crazy and unpredictable that routinely plays out differently in my head, that's just where I live right now - trust to trust, day to day; and even in the tension I'm finding peace.