 |
| Dad and Me |
I thought of this post last week as we went through the loss of my father. All the sentiments I had on behalf of friends who'd lost loved ones, I suddenly felt strongly for myself. We knew Dad wasn't long for this world, but it hasn't made his death any easier. Strangely, the separation of death reminds me how greatly God loves me. I hope you find His love in your loss as well.
Duped by Design
August, 2011
I've had my fill of
funerals lately. Ready or not, impending or immediate, death is not a kind
caller. It always asks too much, takes too much, leaves too much sorrow and
takes too long to recover. Death has no desire to bargain or befriend - he is
an unruly rapist of our equilibrium.
In the past month I lost an uncle to cancer and a young friend to a sudden heart attack. One was ready, one was not. One was imminent, one was unexpected. Neither death was fair. Both goodbyes were hopeful, but no less painful.
I'm not always one to question God - I love the book of Job too much to think He needs to offer me any answers. I'm ok with Him being God and even ok with knowing He doesn't have to explain Himself to me. But I need purpose. There needs to be a bigger picture, a loftier goal, a greater glory. My mind needs to know the usefulness of the pains and joys of my life regardless of whether or not they are useful to me or to God. I just don't want it to be wasted, so I struggle with the unexplainable turns of life.
To be honest, I felt somewhat duped in this scenario. On one hand, God expects us to love one another, so we do... and we lose them. We love strongly and it doesn't keep us from still having to say goodbye. We lay our lives down for the good of someone else in humble devotion in the name of God, and then they're gone. And this gaping hole in our hearts bleeds and our spirits scream. We did what we ought to do - we loved... and we still lost. We did everything right, and we got emotionally clobbered. We did what we were told and the inevitable happened - the one we loved left.
Maybe it's just me, but doesn't it seem like a set up? Like a huge "nanny nanny boo boo" from God? Like we're ants and God is a bully with a magnifying glass burning off our feelers (if I may loosely quote Bruce Almighty)? Maybe I shouldn't confess such gaping holes in my theology. I love God with my whole heart, but the more I know Him, it seems the less I understand Him. I hope the honesty of this post doesn't leave you with the impression that I'm angry with God. I am simply a Jacob at Peniel, wrestling what I do not know. And this has been a struggle - a wretching, heaving struggle, and for other people it's been even harder. I know - I see you cry and usually cry with you.
In all of that wrestling of thought I was reminded that the prophecy of Messiah in Isaiah 53 described Him as "a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief". In the NIV it reads, "a man of suffering familiar with pain". In the middle of sorrow and grief that was so important to me. I felt understood, especially as it goes on to say "He took up our grief and bore our suffering". He carried it all. I didn't have to go through it alone. Jesus so willingly reached over to me and took my grief and carried it for me when it was far too heavy for me alone.
Grief, however, was not the only angel at the riverbank. There was the set up. Why lead us to love if loving only magnified the inevitable pain and loss? "Here, love this, depend on it, be selfless toward it... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now that you're attached, I'm taking it back."
Most of the time, I would simply confess, "I just don't get it" and graciously He came back to me this way -
"You do this - go through this - feel this pain and despise the separation, mourn the loss and really grieve. Now what would you do to have them back? What would you go through to know that tomorrow morning their voice would be on the other end of a phone call? What price would you pay to know it would buy back their companionship for just one more minute? How far would you go to just hear their voice again? What would you do to be reunited with someone dead and gone?"
"You know what I would do?" said God.
"I would kill my Son in the most brutal way imaginable and I would turn my back on Him in the middle of His greatest torture. I would sacrifice His life to raise YOU from the dead and win you back... without ever looking back or second-guessing one moment of the process. That's how much I love you."
Here's what Ephesians tells us in chapter 2 verse 1-5,
"As for you, you
were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you
followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the
spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived
among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and
following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving
of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made
us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace
you have been saved."
You see without Christ we are dead. There is no spirit alive
within us, until God makes it alive through Jesus. We are dead, and doing exactly
what the rest of the world does - living for the moment, the fun of sin. But
because God loved us so much, He offered us grace. He was not willing to remain
separated from you for eternity. He would do whatever it took to win you back
and bring you back to life.
Death and grief are never easy, but I pray they always whisper to me the simple question, "what would you give to bring them back to life?" And regardless of my answer let that voice always come back with "I gave more." I pray every death becomes a humbling reminder of how much I am loved by my Creator. He was unwilling to endure one more moment of the separation of death, so He graciously brought me back to life by the death of His Son.
He remains unwilling to let you be separated from Him by death. He graciously extends His love toward us this way - while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. I'm so grateful He did. So undeserving of His love. So thankful to be alive.
Death and grief are never easy, but I pray they always whisper to me the simple question, "what would you give to bring them back to life?" And regardless of my answer let that voice always come back with "I gave more." I pray every death becomes a humbling reminder of how much I am loved by my Creator. He was unwilling to endure one more moment of the separation of death, so He graciously brought me back to life by the death of His Son.
He remains unwilling to let you be separated from Him by death. He graciously extends His love toward us this way - while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. I'm so grateful He did. So undeserving of His love. So thankful to be alive.